When Disappointment Shapes Our Identity: Christ Can Free Us
Shortly before graduating high school, I signed to play basketball at a community college in Kansas. My favorite things in high school were playing ball, cheerleading, and dancing. I was sure that I was going to be continuing in one of those things. I remember packing my bags but also very nervous about what life would look like at a small college. My father once shared with me that he thought it might be best to solely focus on academics, but how could I? I felt like I was one of the key players on my basketball team. I wanted to continue the experience of playing sports in college. It was a part of how I was known in high school. It had become a part of my identity.
As I closed out my summer in Kansas City, I got a call from the coach that recruited me telling me that he was leaving to coach at a new school and that most of the girls he recruited would be going with him. I was a little devastated, but I had to decide to continue with the community college I signed with. I would then have to meet new coaches and teammates that were not recruited with the girls that were initially my team players on the court.
There were so many signs pointing me away; one of those was the talk with my dad first, but I believed that this was the road to success in college. I thought that being known would remain. It wasn’t long before I found that this college experience is not what I intended it to be. I was ready to quit at the end of the semester and go home. Although that didn’t occur, God began to do work through me apart from the daily guidance at home from my parents. My interests, habits, and desires started to change simply because of the disappointments I faced. I went from being a starter basketball player to becoming a bench rider.
The more I felt overlooked, the more I became less committed to the sport I loved. It was that year when I made the connection that life is more than just pursuing the things that fill us with success but make us feel empty when we go back to our quiet spaces. I took it upon myself to start reading my Bible and writing scripture in the red notebook I still wish I had today. One decision of disappointment in my journey led me closer to Jesus as a college freshman. It was my first time feeling the weight of shame because the plans I established for myself were not working out. But, God and His mercy revealed Himself to me. I have never looked back since then. He revealed to me how much of my identity was attached to the things that I do versus who I am in Him. These are still life lessons that I am learning today.
God truly does use our disappointments, fears, shame, and setbacks to bring us closer to Him and help us with our unbelief. The other day, I read the story about Mary and Martha being concerned about their dead brother Lazarus. In the scriptures John 11, they were desperate for Jesus to see about their brother. By verse 38, Martha says, “Lord, there is already a stench because he has been dead for days.” Jesus then replied to Martha saying, “Didn’t I tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?
At this moment, it was more that was weighing on Martha about her brother Lazarus. She was prompted by Jesus to believe. In my life, the areas where I tend to have the most war are the areas where I hold unbelief. Unbelief that God is going to show up and supply my needs. Unbelief that I won’t be able to fulfill his set plans for my life. Most times, these are the results of issues in my heart that only God can mend.
He mended mine in the college dorm where the room had the barest tan walls and a tiny shareable space with a roommate. My dad gave me a tough conversation about finishing that year; although going to school to play ball was a decision I made, I am grateful for the lessons it taught me. Many people struggle to live purposefully because they are unwilling to let go of the things that they believe complete their identity. We sometimes ignore the voices of other people that God sent our way to prevent us from stepping into trouble.
There is no popularity contest in the Kingdom of God. He is a faithful shepherd Who establishes each plan for our lives in every season. When I laid down my agenda of creating a life of success through the journey of basketball; God met me big with open arms. He increased my discernment of the voice of the Holy Spirit. He was birthing new passions and a yearning for His heart through total surrender. It was never just about pursuing basketball as I thought it would be. It was allowing Christ to rule my journey first and not the things that I believed would give me an image. As God does have plans for others to pursue a lifetime of athletics; it was not His call for my life.
As I was so ready for that year to end, I look back and remember the small bible studies I put together with girls in the dorm hallways, the church services I attended in a small town with teammates, and the opportunity to lead the opening prayer before every game. What I once saw as a disappointment; God saw as an opportunity for a college freshman girl to live out her faith boldly. Are you willing to lay down empty voids, treasures, and personalized plans that are not in alignment with His heart? Have you considered the possible freedoms that start to make space in the home of your heart when you give up trying to control every facet of your own life? God can take our disappointments, empty successes, and setbacks to spring forth new life.
Paul wrote in Galatians 2:20 says; “I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.”
When Christ truly lives in us, we have access to be guided by the Holy Spirit which enables us to break cycles of habits, idols, and plans that don’t produce a life committed to Him; a life free from the things that are void fillers and hold our hearts bound.
