This is How Dads Do It: Lessons I Have Learned Through the Lens of Fatherhood

It is 5 am in the morning and I can’t help but to rub my sleep-deprived eyes as my one-week-old newborn son wrestles to find his way back to sleep. We are here. My husband and I are here doing life with a newborn again in under two years. As there or so many things I have learned about myself as a mother, there are so many more things I have learned while watching my husband step into his role as a young, black, and present father.

Today, it has been exactly 622 days since I have seen my husband become a father. An entire 622 days is equivalent to 88 weeks and 6 days, or 20 months and 12 days. In these 622 days, there are three key things I have learned about parenthood in the eyes of watching my spouse embrace the unique role of fatherhood.

Lesson #1: Release the pressure of expectations. Since becoming a mother, I can assure you that there have been numerous amount of times when I found myself huffing and puffing around the house because I am either feeling overwhelmed, overworked or overtired. Almost every time, I have to agree that it is unnecessary pressure and expectations I placed on myself. I find it interesting that fathers tend to take one thing at a time that mothers fret about. Somehow I look up and realize I’m trying to be superwoman in my home by “getting it all done”. You know, the laundry, the kitchen, dinner, and all the “mom” things we have automatically deemed as our motherly roles since birth.

But fathers, as least in my case, sometimes see the responsibilities of parenthood through a different lens. After a long week, I sometimes have a brain fog of all the things I should have got done for my family. Many times I have to take a step back as my husband sends a reminder of the things I did do during the week after I dwell on what didn’t get done. More often than not, fathers are appreciative of the sacrifice mothers make and we can remember that our value is not placed on a to-do list that got tackled. It takes off a lot of pressure when we release the expectations we think our partners are placing on us. I watch my husband be intentional about not overworking himself and kicking his feet up after a day or week of changing diapers, playing in the kid’s playroom, cooking a meal, going to work, getting housework situated, and more. Then there’s me thinking in my brain, there is so much more to get done that he can help with. This isn’t enough. Why? Because as soon as I escape the pressure and expectations to “get it all” done, it comes back around trying to swallow me up. I am constantly learning through my spouse that staying busy doesn’t justify who I am to my household.

Lesson #2: Relax your shoulders and be present. Don’t take parenting too seriously. Countless of times I have watched videos of fathers joking, laughing, dancing, and sometimes doing “dangerous” stunts that will make a mother panic. I think us mothers can learn to relax our shoulders when everything else around us feels chaotic like the massive amount of toys that are STILL left in the living room. I understand mom. Why is dad having a fun time with the kids while the house is falling apart with fifth and mess? I laugh as I reflect on a snow day we had in Kansas City a few weeks back. By the time I got our toddler ready to play in the snow, I got overwhelmed scrambling to find things only I knew where to find, not to mention pregnant at the time. I huffed and decided it would be best for my daughter and dad to go play in the snow only. My husband jokingly called me a party pooper. As much as it annoyed me in the moment, it motivated me to not be the party pooper. Within five minutes, I was fully dressed and met my family outside because mom wasn’t going to be the called-out party pooper on her daughter’s first time playing in the snow.

I would have to be honest and say I find myself taking parenting so seriously that I miss out on relaxing my shoulders and being present in the moment. I believe it helps parenting feel less like a strict occupation that insists on checking off a to-do list and more of an enjoyable one. That’s often the joy fathers bring and where we can learn to ease off expectations that keep us overwhelmed.

“A child is going to remember who was there, not what you spent on them. Kids outgrow toys and outfits. They don’t outgrow time and love.” -Kelly’s Treehouse

Lesson #3: Quality time over quantity truly does matter.

We have all heard the saying, quality over quantity. I find that statement to be all the more true as I grow as a mother. I remember a time I checked in on my husband to see what he was doing with our toddler and he simply replied that they were watching a movie together. And course me being a full-time stay at home parent thought to myself, how does one have time to sit down and watch a movie when there are still areas of the house that needs attention? That question pondered in my mind based on how I felt he should be utilizing his personal time at home. It took some time to embrace the fact that the quality time I spend with my toddler doesn’t have to look the same as my husband. What mattered in the moment was daughter snuggled close next to her dad enjoying a time that he cannot win back. We know that the responsibilities of life are not going to fade and each day we are going to wake up with something that needs to be accomplished in our homes. I have also learned to share the space of gratitude with my husband for the things I overlooked in his contribution to our home. Finding quality time over quantity as a mother is an ongoing learning process for me. I am thankful for fathers that exemplify what it truly means to slow down and breathe, and to not neglect the times that matter the most when life feels like it is spilling over.

“The best inheritance a parent can give his children is a few minutes of his time each day.” -Orlando Aloysius Battista